Combat fatigue in the living room
Santa Clara family has son in Iraq
Armed with a remote TV control, computer keyboard,
stacks of newspapers and a bottomless cup of
coffee, James Outman is a man with a fixation.
He spends nearly every waking hour in his Santa
Clara home scouring the Earth for information about
the war, for one single reason -- his youngest son,
Brian, is in it. As a Marine.
All the Outman family knows is that Brian's Marine
unit -- 3rd Battalion, 4th Marines -- has been battling
its way into Baghdad, taking heavy fire and
casualties. And for the past three weeks they have
heard nothing at all from their son, but for a mention
in a Chronicle story proving that, as of Tuesday,
20-year-old Brian was alive and well.
"It was like winning the Lotto for me," Outman said of
reading the snippet about Brian. "He did say (in the
newspaper account) that he'd almost been killed four
times that day. But he lived through it. He was OK."
Though they are well away from the front lines, the
war is taking a toll on the Outman family, and father
James in particular. The 49-year-old management
consultant hasn't slept well in weeks, his face is
puffy and pale, his blue eyes heavily circled.
His hands sometimes tremble as he lights a
cigarette, or when he sips from his coffee mug. The
mass of information he has collected over the past
weeks feels like a physical weight. He knows it
would be healthier to take a break, but he feels that
walking away would be, in a sense, turning his back
on his son. To keep watching, to stay alert, is all he
can do, and his parental instinct demands that he do
no less.
"He's getting combat fatigue in the living room
watching this stuff," said Kevin Outman, 25, Brian's
older brother and a Marine now on active reserve.
Outman's wife, Hila, who is Brian's stepmother, also
worries about her husband.
"I try to drag him away sometimes, because it's
eating him up. But for him, it's misery with, and
misery without," the TV.
Despite their concerns, nobody has seriously
considered seizing the remote control and shutting
down the flow of images.
"I wouldn't do that because it's his son over there,
and if he has to watch TV, he has to watch TV," Hila
Outman said. "It's his connection with his son."
Besides, the rest of the family is nearly as
media-obsessed as James is. Kevin and Hila scour
the papers, reading every scrap of war news. They
gather around the television day and night, watching
with one eye while they hash over their hopes, fears
and theories about the war.
James admits that his family's military history is
probably the reason two of his five sons decided to
join the Marines. He spent six years with the Army
during the waning years of the Vietnam conflict, most
of that time as a recruiter.
"I never sent people to direct combat jobs, as a
recruiter, because I would have felt guilty if they had
died," James Outman said. "I even talked a lot of
people out of joining. But unfortunately I wasn't able
to talk this guy (Kevin) and his little brother out of
joining."
Both of the Outman Marines were eager to see
action in Iraq, though Kevin, on active reserve, agreed
not to volunteer at the request of his parents. If he is
called up, however, he will go. Brian's dedication to
the Marines is such that he was dubbed Hard Dog
Outman.
But in a solemn conversation shortly after Christmas,
Brian sat down with his father and outlined his
wishes, should he be killed while serving. The
memory of this conversation brings his father to
tears.
"I'm not pro-war," James Outman said. "All war is
bad and awful. But I am proud of my sons, I'm a
proud American. And things will be better in Iraq after
Saddam and his forces are gone. They are the scum
of the Earth."
But the more he learns about Iraq, the more
ambivalent he feels about U.S. goals in the region.
"I read everything about Iraq that I can find," James
Outman said. "Before the war began I didn't know
that Iraq had stopped taking dollars for oil, and only
accepted Euros. I didn't know about Saddam's
atrocities. Now I debate with friends. Nothing is black
and white."
The apparent collapse of Saddam Hussein's regime
on Wednesday brought palpable relief to the Outman
household, but there are no plans yet to give up the
round-the-clock news vigil.
"Maybe once . . . Baghdad is pretty secure, then I'll
feel like I can take a break," James Outman said.
"Then I can have some emotional release."
One recent night, while searching for a blank
videotape, James found an old recording of Brian and
a friend at 8 years of age, fooling around with clay.
"I thought, wow, here he was so innocent and
playing," Outman said. "And now he's out there."
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